


Counseling DS9

by Aidaran, StarTravel



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Counseling, Crack, Crack Fic, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Ridiculous, Star Trek - Freeform, Therapy, mistery cameo at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 17:59:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17647256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: The Federation cares a lot about its people's mental health. It sends a counselor to DS9 to make sure everything is ok. Which it is not. Ever.





	Counseling DS9

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when Aidaran and StarTravel decide to explore what would therapy be in a space station where you can just be randomly contacted by alien gods, tell your problems to a Ferengi conman, have patients turn into goo, and learn a lot about Klingon anatomy from a very eager trill.
> 
> Disclaimer: Real Life Therapy tends not to be like this and is very helpful and important. As long as you don't try to turn into goo. That makes everything a lot harder for the therapist.

Kira.

 

“Is this mandatory?”

“Excuse me?” counselor Telnorri was a bit appalled. Major Kira had entered the room with no much more than a mumbled hello and was not even sitting. It was not as if it was unusual to go from hostility to oversharing in his job, and he’d been to DS9 before, so he knew that it was a complicated place. Still, he had at least expected to be greeted with a “hello” by his first patient.

“This… thing”. Kira was still almost at the door, glaring at him.

“Counseling”. He smiled, trying to get her to warm up to him. She didn’t return the gesture.

“That. Is it mandatory? Must I stay here for the next… computer, what time is it?”

“It is 1807 hours”.

“… the next 53 minutes?”

“I’d pretty much appreciate that, major. Please, would you sit down? Have you been briefed on what counseling is about?”

She seemed uncomfortable. She sat with an annoyed huff but didn’t answer, so the doctor continued.

“Starfleet sends counselors to all its bases and starships in a regular schedule, so that they can keep tabs with the mental health of their people, and help them if it’s needed”.

“I’m not Starfleet”.

“No, but you work with them, and it’s never a bad idea to have a bit of a checkup. Think of it as Starfleet caring about its people, and it’s not so different to a medical checkup. Don’t worry, we won’t talk about anything you don’t want to”.

“Then we won’t talk at all”. She crossed her arms. The counselor wrote something on his padd. “What are you doing?”

“Taking notes”.

“What, so you  _ are _ studying me”.

“Are you always so hostile, Major? Would you want to talk about it?”

“Are you writing that down? Is it going to a report?” She stood again.

“No, these notes are personal, for…”

Major Kira grabbed the padd and read it. 

“Hostile. Closed. Impatient. Hints of anxiety. May suggest PTSD. Sorry, are you trying to analyze me, or insult me?”

“Major, these are just preliminary notes, and if you and I get to know each other better, I assure you…”

“You know what? I’m taking this with me. Ask someone else for these ‘notes’”.

Doctor Telnorri watched her leave in silence, and just took another padd and wrote a new report. This was going to be a long day. Or a long week, actually. He seemed to have quite a big senior staff to survey, and even some of the residents were on the roster too. He wondered why.

 

********

Odo.

 

Telnorri took a few deep breaths and reminded  himself that this was a routine health check. Of course some people - many people even - would be frustrated to be pulled away from their work. He told himself that several more times when he saw the name Odo. 

The changeling stormed into the room almost as soon as Telnorri finished reading his name, as though he somehow knew. His shoulders were straight and his face gave away nothing, save that Telnorri sensed a hint of anxiety in the stiffness of his brow and spines. But then, that could just be how he chose to shape it today. 

“Constable.”

“Hrrmph.” was all the other man said, expression somehow completely neutral and irritated at once. Telnorri made a few quick notes on his padd, hands stilling when Odo suddenly leaned in with a tight frown. Maybe therapists on Bajor only took notes with their minds. They wouldn’t be the first group with an eidetic memory. 

Telnorri smiled beseechingly at Odo, carefully sliding one hand onto the table and lying his palm flat against his desk. Maybe he needed to meet the Constable on his own level. “I know that you don’t want to be here -”

“That’s an understatement.” Odo cut him off in a tight voice, nose - or where his nose would be, and Telnorri had several questions about what was holding Odo back from shaping a nose - wrinkling a little. He said nothing else beyond making another grunting sound. 

Telnorri swallowed tightly and then took a few deep breaths. “This is a routine checkup. I just have a few questions. I thought maybe we could start with your relationship with Dr. Mora.”

“If I wanted to talk about Dr. Mora, I’d go to Bajor.” Odo scoffed low in his throat, crossing his arms against his chest and leaning back in the chair a bit like he owned the room. Telnorri never knew someone could look so much like a rebellious teenager and a grumpy middle aged man at the same time. 

Telnorri simply smiled in response, folding his other hand over where his right laid on the desk. 

“Bajor. I’ve been told you and Major Kira … Constable, I don’t know how to talk to you when you’re in this … form.”

The puddle in the chair Odo was just sitting in didn’t answer. Instead it glided to the floor and disappeared from sight. Telnorri glanced around the room, looking to see if there were any new lamps or mugs that hadn’t been there before. One could never be too careful with the Constable. 

When he was satisfied he was alone, Telnorri leaned back in his own chair, running a hand up and down his face as though to rub out his lingering exhaustion. He’s sure the next appointment will be better. 

 

********

Jadzia.

 

By the time her name came up in the roaster, Telnorri was already a bit frustrated, quite confused, and trying his best to remain professional. He hoped she’d be a better patient, being that she had worked with the Federation through many of her lives, and her job didn’t require her to be as alert as his last two patients. He had also heard she was a very sociable and friendly woman, and he’d always been fascinated with trills.

She walked into the office a couple minutes late, with a smile on her face.

“Oh, sorry I’m a bit late, I was training. Doctor Telnorri, am I right?”.

Telnorri didn’t mind. At this point, he would had been happy to have all the station coming to his office late, as long as they were smiling instead of shouting or turning into puddles. Having a puddle as a patient had been a first for him and he was not sure he was ready to repeat the experience.

“That’s ok, miss... Jadzia, right?” she nodded and sat. “You said you were training. Do you practice any sports?”

“Not exactly. Bat’leth practice with my husband, actually” she leaned closer with a conspiratory grin and raised her eyebrows. “I won”.

Ok, maybe she was another one of the weird ones of the station. Still, she was smiling, and was not trying to steal his padd, so that counted as a good experience in Telnorri’s book.

“Well, Jadzia, I’m sure you’ve been through this many times already, so I’ll skip the introductions. I’d like to know how are you doing at this station, your general health, anything you feel you’d like to share with me”.

She gave him a beatific smile.

“Oh, I’m doing fine. I mean, well, I almost stabbed my mother-in-law a couple months ago, in my bachelor party, but... oh wait, will you put that in your report?”

He stopped writing mid-sentence and looked at her with a bit of a guilty expression.

“You have a problem with that?”

“No, no. It’s not as if you haven’t worked with klingons before anyway, is it? You must have heard a lot of similar stories already”.

“Erh, no, I’m familiar with Klingons, but...”

“Oh, good, then I’ll continue. To be fair, she was not exactly happy with me or the marriage, but eventually warmed up to me. Of course, I can’t really blame her, Klingons are not as open about certain stuff as I am. And I used to have a very relaxed life before Worf. You know, I even *censored* and *censored* and even, when I was Curzon, *censored*”. She laughed at the memories. The doctor was not sure if he should too. He could feel his face turning a lighter shade of blue because of the embarrassment. “Oh, and when I was Emony! you know, being her was amazing. With all her gymnastic skills, I*censored* and... Oh, why are you doing that face?”

“Wh... what face?” Telnorri was now turning white. Even for someone so open-minded and with a long career as a counselor, Jadzia was a bit too open. He was not sure what to put in the report.

“Are you sure you are ok, Doctor? don’t you need a glass of water or anything?”

“No, no, let’s... let’s continue”.

“Ok. So, as I was saying, my obsession with the Klingons started when I was a diplomat, as Curzon Dax. That was an intense life, even by Dax’s standards... I remember, I went with my friend Kor to *censored* and... there you are, that face again. Am I saying something uncomfortable? are you ill? I could call doctor Bashir if you need a checkup”.

“I just... I think we should focus on your current mental status rather than... memories. If that is ok with you”.  _ Please, how long until her session is over? I think I’ll go to Risa for a whole month after this. _

“Right, right. Well, as I was saying, I got married a couple months ago, and things are going well, with Worf and his *censored*...”

The doctor got up suddenly and extended his hand.

“Please don’t continue. You are fit for duty. Please, just please go and keep doing your job. Thank you very much, Lieutenant Commander”.

Jadzia got up with a confused look. She smiled sympathetically and gave the doctor a handshake.

“Really, doctor, if you need anything, tell me. You look like your blood pressure is a bit low”.

“I thank you. But... don’t worry, just go away”.

She went out, still with an angelic smile on her face. He wondered what he would put in the report, and if he should put a warning in it.

 

*****

 

Miles.

“Good to see you again chief. How have you been this last couple years?”  _ Finally someone I can trust not to be unpredictable _ , thought Telnorri.

“Everything is ok. You helped me a lot that time, doctor. I thank you”.

The chief had his sleeves rolled, and the doctor couldn't help notice some stains that looked suspiciously like wd-40 or something of that sort all over his clothes and face. When he sat, the doctor wondered if that oily stuff would end up in the chair.

“Want to talk about how things have been since we last saw each other?”

The chief thought a bit.

“They were fine”.

“Care to elaborate?”

“Em... My son was born. I repaired the station and the Defiant a lot. Played darts with Julian”.

“And...?”

“No, that's it. That is about all. Oh, wait, something else”. Telnorri knew he should not get his hopes high at that point. “I also have a holoprogram I play with Julian about The Alamo. We've been trying to change the outcome of the battle for some months”.

The doctor thought maybe he had got his spirits up for nothing. This session was going to be as hard as all the others.

“And how you feel about it?”

“Fine, fine”.

The man was really not giving him a lot for his report. Even if he was thankful he was not in the need to censor anything, still it was a bit disheartening.

“Care to elaborate, mister O'Brien?”

The Chief scratched his head, thinking. Telnorri followed the hand, and swallowed hard, thinking about all that oil getting into his hair.

“No, I don't think I have anything else to say. Ehm... Can I go now? I think Upper Pylon 3 has a bit of a short circuit”.

“Yes, yes, go. I think I have everything I need for my report”.

 

********

 

Julian.

Dr. Telnorri tried to convince himself that Doctor Julian Bashir wouldn’t be quite so tough. The other man was a doctor, so if anyone understood the importance of this, it should be him. 

The fact the other man was practically bouncing on his heels when he came in didn’t give him much hope, however. “Doctor Bashir, I’m sure you’re familiar with this procedure from your own time in Starfleet Medical.”

Julian smiled brightly at him, eyes lighting up with an excitement Dr. Telnorri didn’t understand. He supposed it  _ was  _ better than having two hours of scowls. 

“Oh yes! Actually did you know how it came about? They didn’t start developing the program until the 2150s after the war with the Klingons. It’s really quite shocking, given the advancements that had been made in psychiatric therapy in the late 2090s. You would have thought that kind of procedures would have been made regulation from the start. In fact, there were provisions in the original Starfleet -”

After 5 minutes of rambling, Dr. Telnorri coughed into his hand, raising an eyebrow as he gave the doctor a once over. He made a few notes on his padd and then gave the man a reassuring smile. “That is all truly fascinating, Dr. Bashir, but I was hoping that we could talk about how you are adjusting to life on the station and your general health. I know you have had several encounters with the Jem’Hadar-” 

“Yes, have you read the data I’ve sent Starfleet on their genetic makeup? It’s truly fascinating. The difference in protein structure between them and other humanoid species is particularly promising. Actually, I have the scans on my computer if you want me to explain some of the finer details. there’s only so much information Starfleet will accept at once, it really is a  _ problem _ .” Julian let out a low scoff at the end, crossing his arms and carefully raising one eyebrow. There was a frustration to his words Dr. Telnorri would like to explore further. 

“That is all very interesting, Dr. Bashir, but I really would like to hear about your experiences over the past few months.” Dr. Telnorri said pointedly, wondering if there was any way Doctor Bashir had mixed their appointment up with a more professional one. 

Somehow Julian’s smile grew even wider at that, so it looked too big for his narrow face. 

“Of course! I should have known you wanted to hear about my recent work with blood transfusions between Trill and Vulcans and the possible biological effects that could have on symbionts. I actually wanted to start with the effect of mind-melding with a bonded trill as well...”

Suddenly Dr. Telnorri remembered the nurses telling him that Dr. Bashir had a tendency to ramble and closed his eyes for several seconds. 

“That does sound interesting, I’ll admit, but I meant what was going on with your personal experiences.”

“Oh.” Julian frowned tightly for a moment, tapping his finger against his chin thoughtfully. Then he grinned brightly, mouth moving faster than Dr. Telnorri can keep up with. “Actually, Chief O’Brien and I are developing a new holoprogram based on the Trojan War and it’s been quite exciting. I’ve been doing quite a lot of research into the flora in Greece. Have you ever read about the genetic development of the cypress tree between 2150 and 2196?”

“I can’t say that I have.” Dr. Telnorri finally sputtered, all while wondering if it was even possible to keep it that way at this point. 

“Actually, I have a few samples if you’d like to examine them.” Julian offered with an eager smile, gaze bright and warm in a way that almost made Dr. Telnorri feel bad for his lack of interest. Almost. 

Dr. Telnorri made a few more quick notes on his padd and then stood up with a tight smile. “Oh, that is quite all right, Dr. Bashir. I fear our hour is up”.

“Already? I suppose we could continue this conversation at Quark’s later tonight, once you’re done with your appointments.” Julian threw out with a hint of a pout and Dr. Telnorri decided to avoid Quark’s for the next few days. “Oh, and if you could send me the notes from this afternoon, I’d appreciate it. I’m sure they’d be quite enlightening”.

“Of course.” Dr. Telnorri murmured and couldn’t help but feel some sense of professional pride. Julian was the first one who actually wanted to hear - well read - his opinions. 

Then Dr. Telnorri read his notes and wondered how believable it would be to say the Padd malfunctioned. 

 

********

 

Worf.

Doctor Telnorri read the psychological profile of his next patient, and decided he clearly was not looking forward to that appointment. While he had a clearly impressive service record, there were also a lot of notes from previous therapists that suggested the best course of action was either to be behind a force field, or not interview him at all. Commander Deanna Troi suggested not to conduct the interviews altogether after her third year aboard the Enterprise D. He wondered if it was possible to forge the profile padd so it looked like he’d seen him.

He was in the middle of his third hacking attempt when Worf entered and sat in front of him with a very stiff pose. The silver lining was that he didn’t appear to be armed. Still, he doubled Telnorri both in height and width, so the doctor was quite sure the absence of bat’leths was not really to be noted.

“So, ehm, hello, Mister Worf. I assume you’ve gone through this procedure several times, so I won’t have to explain it to you”.  _ Do Klingons smell fear? _

“I have”. Worf crossed his arms.

The doctor fidgeted with the padd. Worf followed his hands with a frown, so the doctor stopped moving.

“So, do you want to talk about your life here?”

“It is good”.

_ Ok, I can do a whole report with that. If he would like to just go away, I wouldn’t stop him. _

“My wife was here before”.

Doctor Telnorri’s mind was wandering away, trying to find ways to dismiss his patient, so he was a bit taken aback by that. He checked on his notes, until he found that information.

“Ah, yes, Jadzia Dax, right?”

“Did she say anything... personal?”

Telnorri gulped audibly. That kind of situation was always hard to begin with, but he was faced with a Klingon who could very well split him in two, and he was  _ very _ aware of the things his wife had told him.

“We, ehm, talked about her own personal experiences. But I can’t divulge what one patient says, as you may be aware”.

“So, she told you something you cannot tell me”.

“That’s not what I said. Do you want to talk about that? Any trust issues you’d like to tell me? Insecurities?”.

“If there was something she said about our marriage...” Worf’s fists tightened at his sides, and the doctor decided that either the session was over, or, he would be, very soon.

Telnorri got up and smiled a bit too widely, pointing at the door with his free hand, making sure the other one covered his padd’s screen.

“Mr. Worf, she didn’t tell anything about you, so you have nothing to worry. Look at the time, if you want to finish this session, I think I have enough material to make my report”.

Worf got up, even more stiff than before.

“When I see her, I’ll make her tell me”.

_ Better her than me, _ Telnorri couldn’t help thinking.

 

***********

 

Quark.

By the end of the day, Dr. Telnorri had given up on the possibility of appointments actually going well. He’d settle for making through them without anyone leaving mid-session via cracks in the floor. So when Quark walked in with a too wide smile, ears practically twitching, he let out a low sigh. 

“Hello, Doctor. I have to say I’ve been looking forward to this appointment.”

“Have you?” Dr. Telnorri asked in a low voice, raising an eyebrow as he leaned back against his chair. He tried to bury the hope rising in his chest. 

“Yes, we haven’t gotten around to talking yet, and as the two therapists on board, that’s kind of funny”, Quark said with a conspiratorial look as he leaned across desk. He rested his elbows in the dead center, like he owned the table. 

Dr. Telnorri swallowed tightly, resisting the urge to push Quark’s hands off the table. “Therapist? I thought you were a bartender. Do you have a degree in -?“

“No degree, I just know how to sell to people, as you do,” Quark answered back with a wide grin, gaze suddenly taking on a light that Dr. Telnorri was sure he didn’t like. 

“Sell people?” Dr. Telnorri asked as he slid a hand onto the table, the other coming to press along the ridges on his forehead. He couldn’t keep the annoyance out of his voice no matter how hard he tried, nose scrunching up slightly as he gave the Ferengi a blank stare. Quark’s smile turned from friendly to appeasing, though that spark didn’t leave his eye even for a second. 

“Don’t get offended, I’m not saying that you don’t help people. I’m saying that we both have to understand what people need and we provide it.” Quark murmured with a shrug, leaning back against his chair with a hint of a smile. 

Dr. Telnorri decided he could do something with that, make some kind of headway. If Quark saw himself as having to keep everyone else on the base happy, that could cause a great deal of stress. “Do we?”

“Which is why I sense that you could use some of this Trillian oil. It helps relieve tension headaches and increases patience.” Quark said with a grin as he pulled a bottle out from his pocket, filled with a sparkling plum liquid. Dr. Telnorri was tempted to throw caution to the wind and down it. He  _ did _ have a tension headache. 

But he didn’t think it would help his professional reputation if he tried a placebo with who knew what in it. At the very least Dr. Bashir would be disappointed in him. 

“I can imagine why you think that would appeal to me right now.” Dr. Telnorri said in an even voice, hands folded together on top of the desk. He reminded himself he only had one more appointment left after this. “But Mr. Quark, it would be unethical of me to buy products from a patient in session. So if there’s nothing else, this session is over.”

Dr. Telnorri spent the next 30 minutes listening to stories about moons and cold-hearted changelings. He started to wonder if he went into the wrong profession. 

 

**************

 

Sisko.

Telnorri took a liking for Sisko immediately. He was not trying to sell anything, was not rambling, threatening him or turning into goo. Funny how his standards had lowered so much at the station, that just having a well-behaved Captain was almost too good to believe.

“As I read on your profile, you were under a lot of stress when you first assumed command here”.

Sisko assumed a more comfortable position in the chair. The doctor felt at ease with him, and had read his achievements in the war were amazing. He seemed the kind of man who would not break under pressure and start talking about weird stuff. Telnorri wondered how such a stable man managed to work with a senior staff so messed up.

“Yes, but if you look at my latest evaluations, I have learned to cope a lot better as time went by, and I’m considered more than fit for duty”.

Yes, definitely, a man of culture, with manners and very professional. Even his voice was nice. Telnorri decided not to trust his luck. Probably there was something else, waiting for him. After all, this was his last interview, and he had no hopes it would go without incident.

“So I’ve read, Captain. And your medical records show that your stress levels are good, even considering the toll the war must be taking on you”.

“Yes, thank the Prophets, at least for now we’ve managed to keep Bajor secure, and that is one of the things that make me feel most at peace”.

“The Prophets?” now that sounded like something Telnorri was not willing to hear. He regretted asking immediately, because the answer would mean his hopes for a peaceful final interview would be crushed in an instant.

“Yes, the wormhole aliens. Bajor’s gods”.

“And you believe they are gods?”  _ stop asking Telnorri, please stop asking. _

“Well, not gods, but since they talk to me and give me visions...” Sisko’s smile was as pleasant as before, and he was still maintaining eye contact, as if that was all perfectly normal in a day’s work.

“Visions? Are you hallucinating, Captain?”

“Visions. Not hallucinations. There’s a difference, doctor. And I think you’ll find a lot of reports I sent to Starfleet regarding Bajoran’s traditions and my role as Emissary”.

_ I don’t even want to know what does that mean. Do I really have to ask and finish the report? _

“You have a... ahem, a post in the religious system of Bajor?”

“I am one of their main religious figures. As I told you, they talk to me via visions. I also bless people and participate in all sort of religious festivities”.

“And Starfleet never complained or expressed worry about it?”

“Yes, well, sometimes, but...”

And suddenly, a white flash of light, and Sisko was not there anymore.  _ Is this some kind of joke? have I been had by Jadzia, or maybe the Captain’s son? _

Telnorri walked out of the office with a confused expression and looked around. Everybody was working as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. Jadzia lifted her head and looked at him.

“Can I help you with something, doctor? you seem sort of... lost”.

“Well, yes, ehm... the captain just disappeared in a flash of white light”.

Kira lifted her head at those words, and a beatific smile spread on her face.

“That must have been the Prophets! Surely he told you about how our gods talk with him”.

Telnorri smiled, made a small bow, and walked inside the office again, without uttering another word. This was going to be the last report Starfleet would ever get from him, that much was clear for him. 

 

*************

 

Epilogue.

“Thank you so much, Captain Chakotay. I promise, any post you assign to me in your ship will be better than being on Starfleet”.

The tattooed maqui looked at the small and green-blueish doctor in front of him. Big black bags under his eyes, missing hair when he had pulled it out, a small tick in the corner of his mouth. Whatever had happened to Telnorri, it must had been a life-changing experience, to make him defect and join the maqui.

“Well, I don’t think we need a counselor in the Val Jean, but I’ll see to it that you find a place where you can be comfortable. Now, Mister Tuvok, can you lay a course for the Badlands? we need to get there before the Cardassians can track us”.

“Right away, captain”.

“And tell Seska and B’elanna to check on the engines. They were making a weird noise yesterday”.

Ahh, surely it would be a nice change. Only rebels, no Starfleet, no counseling, nothing weird or mystical going on. Yes, he was sure his life would be better from that point on.

  
  



End file.
